


Tea and Crumpets

by Unicornsfartglitter



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: 1920's era, Anal Sex, Classy glory holes, Crack, Handkerchiefs, I didn't write "dick", M/M, Masturbation, Picnic, Vouyerism, don't take this seriously, i guess, not once!, scandalous, this is seriously crap y'all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-16
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2018-12-30 09:08:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12105390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unicornsfartglitter/pseuds/Unicornsfartglitter
Summary: In a time when fornication is withheld until marriage Negan finds he can't wait to relish the one Rick Grimes and enlists Daryl's help.**total crack, I'm sorry.





	1. A Bedsheet

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thatlittleblackbox](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatlittleblackbox/gifts).



> So when your bestie points out all you write is total trash sex and are incapable of writing classy porn. What the hell of that? You have to make crack. My elegance in writing sex shall never exist!!! Good day sir/madam!!!

It had been days since Negan's indecent deed was performed in Rick's bedroom. Thinking of Rick sullied to the bone in the sweet souls room of rest. Rick's pinky finger was lifted up in a poised position. He placed his tea cup down and dabbed his mouth, the crumpets were so divine! Negan watched the man of his dreams daintily lie down his cloth napkin in his lap and cross his legs. For the first time in his life he contemplated impure thoughts. His infatuation with Rick had steadily been getting out of hand. 

“We should play lacrosse this morning. Daryl and Glenn would like it.” Rick spoke smooth like honey as he raised his cup to his lips once more.

Negan didn't want to play sports, he wanted Rick and he might just have to do what his mother said was wrong. Premarital sex and with a man at that. He had only masturbated three times in life and he made it quick, washing his soiled handkerchief before mother could see it. He picked up a crumpet and chewed it thoughtfully. If he was to proceed with his lustful sin he needed to do it right. No sweet caresses but no quickie either. He would have to devise a plan and dare say it needed to be...classy. 

“Rick I have a proposal and it's rather seedy but I cannot stand it any longer!” 

Rick arched back in his chair and giggled.  
“Negan you know my heart and it's in your hands. I shall meet you tonight at dusk.”

Negan formulated his plan, a way to fornicate without production of a heir or marriage. It was scandalous but it had to be done. Rick's temptation was too much, his derrière a hindrance to the thing between his legs he shall not speak of. Taking a short nap he dreamed of classy fornication. Rick with a pearl string necklace and then a boa. Him draped across a sofa drinking a martini with a silk handkerchief across his lap. He woke up with a conundrum in his pants but willed it away as he stared at mother's hand painted portrait. Phoning up Daryl he told him of his dilemma.

That night Negan’s dear friend Daryl arrived 

“My dear friend! I'm glad you decided to help!” 

Daryl chuckled lightly and patted his shoulders. “But of course. Anything for you and Rick.” 

It was dusk and Rick was already there nervous as a chicken, he smiled as he shook both their hands. “Greetings! We must hurry before mother or father sees us.” 

With that the three men leapt upstairs. Rick shyly took in Negan's anatomy before flushing and looking away with a wonderful giggle. 

“I got it!” Daryl pulled out the item from his bag. It was perfectly crisp, white, and ironed thanks to Daryl. 

“Daryl it is perfect.” Negan said in awe. 

It really was, a large and clean sheet with a perfect big hole but not too small. 

“Great! Now I shall help!” Daryl proclaimed.

It was rather dangerous but his friend hoisted himself up on a chair and let the sheet hang down.

“I believe Rick should start.” Daryl suggested.

Flushing Rick went to one side of the sheet and undressed quickly and Negan tried to contain his batter as he waited, the unbuckling of a belt sounded like heaven to his ears. 

“I'm done.” 

At the announcement Negan undressed too and looked at the hole. It was as if Daryl was a peeping tom, the hole looked perfect for his muscle and it obstructed Rick's physique from his vision. The barest sight of white globes peeking through.

Moaning Negan poked his genitalia through and cried out when Rick pushed his cheeks right up to that blessed sheet.

“Oh Negan!” Rick grunted at the intrusion and pushed back. 

Their friend Daryl kept the sheet intact for their foul manners as Negan pushed in and out of heated flesh not worthy of his touch. It was forbidden after all. His toggle had never experienced such and it wasn't long before he cried out at flowing seed. 

Another thrust and Rick moaned out into refreshing air. His spooge released.

“Now we must all go our separate ways for the night and never speak of this manner again. You two marry as righteous virgins.” Daryl instructed in urgency.

They each dressed quickly and he had only a moment to remember Rick's post aroused face as Daryl folded up the sinfully vile sheet. 

“Good night Negan.” Rick sung. He would remember that golden voice for all ages. 

“Good night my dear Rick.” He allowed that man that simple comfort as he and Daryl retreaded. The smirk on Daryl's face as he saw Negan's chap the thousandth time would never be known to either now depraved men.


	2. Ladyfingers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Negan’s seedy friend Daryl and Jesus join in on sullied fun. With Butler Hershel’s help of course.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really contemplated on whether to add this chapter, this is one of my fav fics and it stands well enough alone but here Jesus is in the mix and Hershel.

It had been exactly twenty four days since Negan had committed the deed he shall never speak of. It was quite successful with Daryl's mother never asking about her missing bedsheet. 

Rick looked ravishing as he held his pretty little pinky up as though he was posing it just for Negan. He earned a shy giggle from the young lad just then and snapped his eyes up to see those blues staring at him intently. 

Daryl and Jesus carried on their conversation as if his thing below wasn't secreting into Negan's trousers. It was distracting watching Rick dab the corner of his lip with his napkin and cross his legs before uncrossing them and crossing them again. 

There was steady conversation, well from Daryl and Jesus of course. Negan sat intrigued as he watched Rick push a lady finger past his succulent lips and shouldn't he know that needed to be forbidden? He could think of another thing Rick could push into his soft mouth. Negan let out a surprised gasp. Mother would be so proud of him! 

“Negan are you okay?” Rick asked concerned.

They both missed Daryl's devilish smirk as he observed.

Hershel has been the trusted butler for the Grimes’ family for years, it was a tedious job but he knew that when he accepted the job, the Grimes’ being upper class. He was loyal through and kept all secrets he had discovered. Rick's father having relations with that underage floozy Andrea, the mother boozing it up and dancing after dark in a rather seedy manner (without trying to dissuade pregnancy), and Rick. Oh Rick was far too scandalous, making gooey eyes at that rather dashing man Negan. He heard the light moans at dusk weeks ago.

Negan smirked stirring a silver spoon into his teacup, he had to have sugar in his tea. His sights were on his pale companion though. He was nibbling on more lady fingers and the powdered sugar was streaking up his face and Negan wanted nothing more than to lick it off. Rick was no budding flower so he knew the sucking he was doing on the phallic shaped cookie was indeed innocent. Rick bit into his cookie and then he gasped as the cookie fell right onto his lap, lightly grazing his cack. 

“Oh dear!” He shuddered then moaned in suppressed delight at the dainty slap it caused him and then all guests looked over at the huge clatter Negan had made.

Negan had dropped the shiny sugar spoon on the floor, he couldn't help but stare at the saccharine treat nestled upon Rick's nether region. Powder sugar littered his shirt all the way down and now two special places on Rick were sullied in sugar.

“I can take this no more!” Negan gasped, tears threatening to escape. “I know how wrong it is but I want to fornicate for pleasure once more!” 

There was a shy grin from Rick but his other guests didn't seem to be disturbed. 

“I can arrange it!” Daryl proclaimed. 

Rick's mother entered the room then. “Arrange what?” She asked. 

All guests blinked and stared at each other wishing for an appropriate answer. 

“We are going to play lacrosse!” Daryl supplied with a quick thinking tongue. 

Rick let out a subtle relieved sigh. 

“Have fun!” His mother chirped. 

“Mother you must not watch. It would be unseemly to watch three young men playing sports.” His mother huffed at the reminder, she knew proper etiquette. “Of course, be safe!” She yelled.

Hershel watched from the hilltop as four young, virile men walked to the more secluded part of the Grimes’ estate. Daryl had his trusty knapsack in hand and Hershel grinned because he may soon be getting another eyeful of wonder. 

“We must be quick!” Negan started and with that Rick stopped dead in his tracks.

“Oh no! We must have a blinder to my fanny!” 

Daryl never missed a beat. 

“Do not fret doll, I have the sheet with me. Mother would know something was up if she saw that perfect hole in it.” 

Negan once more wondered how indeed Daryl knew how to cut it perfectly but now wasn't the time, he wanted to relish in the warmth of Rick's beautiful caboose.

The four of them made it down to the dip of the hill and Negan peeped at Rick's flushed flesh making the lad giggle. 

“You're a beauty beyond words.” Negan cooed to him eliciting another giggle. 

Daryl pulled the sheet from his knapsack and inspected it, this just wouldn't do. Pulling out some scissors he winked at Jesus and eyed his crotch appraisingly as he snipped at the linen.

“What on earth are you doing friend?” Negan asked. 

Darting a pink sinful tongue out Daryl squinted his eyes not once halting his observation of Jesus’ man noodle. “I must fornicate too to help pass time.” 

Jesus gasped before clapping his hands togetherwith a smile.

Soon two holes were cut in the sheet and looking at Jesus’ dooda he wondered if it too would be a perfect hole.

“My tushy is ready!” Rick exclaimed in withering delight. 

Jesus shook his head in agreement. “I want to see what all the fuss is about.” 

Daryl's drooled, lust in his eyes. “Jesus don't tell me you are unscathed?” 

It was Jesus’ turn to blush. “I've had seedy relations by myself but that's it.” 

Smirking Daryl pulled up the sheet and Rick felt his dinky twitch with interest. 

Negan inspected the bedsheet, running a hand along it. “How will we hold it up?”

A loud whistling tune interrupted their impure actions as Herschel came across the field with a ladder. “Hello boy's I thought I could be of assistance.” 

Rick jumped up and down excitedly before hugging the man who leered at him creepily. Negan didn't like it one bit but he wanted to feel the long pull to his groin so he begrudgingly allowed it. Awaiting no further instructions Herschel took the sheet and climbed the ladder. 

Jesus immediately got on his side of the sheet and undressed, his Knick knack glistening in wetness. Herschel let out a loud groan and Rick took a quick sweep at the man's body before giggling. 

Negan swelled, wishing he could see his unspoken beloved’s naked skin. Mother could never know his extracular activities. 

Both Daryl and Negan undressed and Negan felt gazing eyes on his derrière. His friend looked on yearning across his tight body then licked his lips in lust. It made Negan's diddle ooze in desire then he heard Rick fuss.

“Wait we must fulfill your erotic pleasures!” His boy whined.

“Stop! We cannot do this, it was one thing when Rick and I partook of our sinful desires but all four of us acting like vulgar peasants? It's despicable, way too scandalous. What would out mothers think? Our fathers?” Negan choked out, his twizzle stick still erect. 

“It will be okay Negan. I have a remedy to appease our sins of the flesh.” Daryl rasped out. 

Negan's eyebrows lifted in confusion but his friend opened his knapsack once more and pulled out a luscious white string of pearls. Negan took them from Daryl stroking them with tender fingers before pushing it through his cut hole in the sheet. Hearing Rick fasten the pearl necklace was enough to have Negan's piece between his legs stammer in joy.

Images ran through Negan's mind of his pale suitor wearing nothing but his pearls, oh how he wanted to see his dooda in full glory but that couldn't happen, however he could push into plush cheeks with a wonderful sheet drowning out their devilish ways. He shuddered when the crack of that fanny brushed against linen and as if evil whispered in his ear he went to touch it. Negan recoiled at a slap to his hand. 

“Don't. We give into desire but we can't have it all.” Daryl's reasoning made him shake his head in agony and push his phallus into welcoming warmth.

Rick moaned at the intrusion leaking despite neglect. Both his hands were spreading him wide to allow the most impact to his fanny. It was glorious indeed and he gasped once more when he saw Jesus buck back and he remembered they were both sharing the churning of butter. It had his noodle stick twitching more and he released a cheek to knead himself. 

His moaning spurred on an aggressive thrusting of Negan and he reached out to hold Jesus’ hand. It was unheard of letting a man take him and holding another's hand during such an act, it was improper to say the least but he squeezed on nonetheless.

His flow was nearing as he heard the  
throaty whines and snaps of Jesus and he released as he looked up into his butlers’ blue eyes.

“Hershel!” Rick out cried as he creamed himself good.

Jesus moaned viewing Rick’s glorious mayonnaise glob clinging to his pasty leg. Daryl thrusted into Jesus’ luscious walls as he watched Negan pull out his flaccid wanker.

“Good job young lad.”

Negan’s praise clung to him like having a picnic on a warm summer's day and when Negan touched him with his tan beefy hands, so firm and pretty he spasmed right into Jesus’ tail-feather.

Rick stared on in shock clutching his white pearls.

“Daryl! You dirtied my bop bop!”

Daryl pulled out his cheeks pinkening in shame. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to defile you beautiful tookus.”

His apology sounded sincere and Jesus could not begrudge such a pretty youths actions. Besides he wasn't too fair a maiden though he had never been spilled into before. 

“It’s okay this one time but you shall never do such again.”

“Yes I promise.” Daryl said with great remorse.

Rick unsnapped his pearls their need no longer present. Negan couldn’t help but take a peek at the one that could never fully be his. The hole gave him a view at creamy pale flesh and if only his honker were a tad larger he could see more.

“Thank you Daryl for your fine handywork. You have made our day much fulfilled.”

No one noticed the old sire suppress a moan above them as his trousers turned white inside. With that Rick’s butler released the crisp bedsheet and stepped down, he had killed two birds with one stone. Getting his old chopper off good while also helping the youngest patriarch of the family be as scandalous as the rest of the sinners known as The Grimes’.

Daryl smirked as he watched Hershel knowing he too had seen all three, well four of their ding dongs in all their glory and he didn’t mean on just this new break of day but on many dawns before. 

The old man winked at him. His secret was safe for Hershel was more unsavory then Daryl could ever try to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does a pearl necklace make bedsheet sex more classy? I’m dying to know.


	3. A picnic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A harmless picnic turns wickedly devious after a modest suggestion by Daryl Dixon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only for my bestie! I hope you like it!

Negan stared at the devine treat before him, Rick to be exact. He thought it was a fine plan to have a picnic with Jesus and Daryl in his field a ways out but now he was upset with his plan. It was supposed to be an innocent experience but how could it be when Rick Grimes was swinging his hips softly and still managing to keep the hula hoop above his legs?

Negan had spent all night crying knowing that if mother knew he touched the thing below as his mind clouded with visions of his decadent lad it would end in misery. She would disown him or worse she could be kicked out of the needle club, she was almost done with her blanket. If everyone found out all her friends would speak ill of him and he could not have that. Somehow he needed to forget about Rick but then blue eyes met his while still keeping the hula hoop up and giggled escaped his sweet lad.

Negan put his sandwich down and accidently glazed his knick knack and stuttered as he took Rick in once more. Finally stopping his pursuit Rick came to him and sat down just a breath’s hair between them and bit into his own sandwich moaning as a lump of egg salad escaped his parted lips. Negan squeezed his legs tight keeping that seedy feeling at bay.

“We should run away.” Rick whispered as if someone would hear him. Daryl and Jesus were playing tag between some weeds.

“That’s insane. I must go to school and inherit my father’s business.”

“And keep our intimacies a secret? Marry some flapper and have her kids?”

“Don't be ridiculous Rick, she would be a proper housewife, not some boozing hound that listens to jazz all day.”

“So you do want to marry some woman and watch her bare children?” A droplet of dew dropped from Rick’s eyes.

“I didn’t say that.” Negan caressed his thigh reminding himself that it wasn’t like that.

“We can’t have a life like this! Secrets and sad meetings. My father loves Andrea and my mother dancing and I see it in their faces, their misery! And I want it to be no more for them! I can’t live like that too!”

Daryl ran up as well as Jesus and observed the pair. 

“You will just have to marry a cover! My cousin is into broads.” Daryl tried to reason.

“We must savor today Rick, tomorrow is just that, another day. Your graceful beauty brings joy to my heart and we must have one another as long at time permits.”

Rick stifled his tears. “Really?”

“Yes my fair lad for no matter what tomorrow brings you will always be number one in my ever beating heart.”

Rick pressed the side of his head against Negan’s warm skin and sighed forgetting his pain, he wanted to kiss him but such praise was forbidden. In an open field anyone could see them.

“There is a shelter nearby!” Daryl exclaimed.

How their friend always knew the layout was beyond them.

The four boys walked to where they were led, a small shelter but it had four walls and a roof.

“I didn’t bring the sheet, Hershel is mending it.”

Jesus gasped. “He’s been in our affairs too much, I saw him look down at my creamy tookus!”

“He keeps all the family secrets, what’s one more?” Rick reasoned.

Shrugging his shoulders Jesus patted his trouser pockets but found nothing more than a mint. Daryl fished in his pockets too and pulled out a reasonably sized handkerchief. 

“I want to see what I should loath!” Negan stuttered taking the handkerchief.

Rick tentatively took it from the offered hand. 

“You all must turn around and not see my sinful flesh for it it’s forbidden.” Rick reminded them.

The men turned around but all moaned at the enchanting pull of a zipper, the metal like music to their young ears. More minutes passed before a whisper was heard.

“Okay.”

The men turned to see Rick’s radiant skin soft as a maiden’s lying on the dirty ground, his noodle stick hidden from view by white cloth.

“Uhh.” Daryl stuttered then coughed hiding his pleasure.

“What clean supple flesh you have Rick.” Jesus marveled.

“Thanks I bathe every night.”

Negan walked forward and stopped himself just to drop to his knees, if he strained his eyes just right he could see the start of that darling pepper trying to peep out. He went to touch it but hissed at a slap to his hand.

“We can’t do this! We keep being deplorable and I can stand it no longer!” Rick whined scrunching up his legs.

Daryl's hand appeared like magic unveiling another handkerchief. Slowly he dropped it onto Rick’s tit tat keeping the slight peek a boo from sight. 

“If he touches it himself we are all guilt free!” Daryl announced with exuberance gripping Jesus’ hand, he always divulged too much even in private.

“He’s right you know if you were to caress your own manhood then we would all be saved!” Negan was getting excited like  
those peasant women who got paid in back allies.

“Yes it is true.” Jesus said simply and zoomed in hoping to see a sliver of flesh.

“O...Okay.” Rick shuddered touching his honeydew, the cloth his only barrier to unblissed sin.

The men stood there daring not to touch their staffs of life for it was too much a gift already to gaze upon such a forbidden fruit.

Rick on the other hand caressed his knapper back and forth bidding to apply more pressure.

“Oh dear!” Jesus cried out expelling from below.

Daryl locked eyes with Negan, he would not be next. Unlike his friend he had plenty of transgressions in his past. Understanding flounced upon Negan’s face and not touching his intimate area he looked back to his young lover, the one he wanted to be whole with.

Rick grunted touching himself in the most obscene ways, his hips bucking up shallowly and the handkerchief swishing back and forth. Negan felt his shlong weep but forbid it to climax.

Daryl groaned looking over someone’s else's claim, it was corrupt but that made him only more rigid in his form. He would win this game he just knew it.

“Da...da…”

The start of his name on Rick’s wicked lips had him spilling into his trousers sullying them deeply.

Winking once at Negan Rick bucked up. Two could play this game and his lover would win.

“Negan!” He exclaimed fully, bold and proud.

At that Negan flowed over like a creek after a tremendous rain.

Explicatives stuck in his throat Daryl kept them at bay, now wasn’t the time. Besides he got a good show.

“My beautiful lad!” Negan remarked and pet one soft curl of his beloved’s hair

Rick moaned out and squeezed his legs hiding his wicked deed freed by Negan’s sultry grasp upon him.

“If we don’t see it, it doesn't count right?” Jesus asked.

The three men turned leaving Rick to clean his misdeed and zip himself back up.

Huddled closer than any three men should be they embarked on their path back to their sandwiches and lemonade with no onlookers no one was the wiser.

**Author's Note:**

> This is really an inside joke bc someone I know thinks classy porn exists and I swear that must involve a pearl necklace. Please drop a comment on your vision of perfect classy porn, I shall await your responses.
> 
> **A bedsheet is not a glory hole damn it, its classy!!


End file.
